Saturday, 9 March 2013
A World Swept Clean
Swept clean. A world swept clean. A heart swept clean. A life swept clean...
Even a clean page is delightful thing.
I am beginning again because I want freshness in my mind. I want my mind untroubled and unclouded by things that have gone before and since been put away. Necessary things yes. Pain as a process is a necessary thing, a teaching thing. Quite exquisite really. What we become afterward.
I have found myself very burdened however by my previous blog. I believe it has run its course and served its purpose and now is only clinging to me in a sort of grasping, possessive way. I am thankful for it. But I want to say good bye to it now.
I am no longer there anymore, in spirit or actuality. I recognize that voice, that woman. She is of course me, not falsely me or pretending to be me, but me as I was then and perhaps in many ways still am now. Although now, I want to let that all go. Take from what I've experienced what I need and drop the heaviness of that load of hurt that accompanied it.
I know there are changes I have to make in my life. Some are simple, physical changes and yet are not always simple to instigate. Some are more complex and involve more growth, more stretching of the spirit, mind, and heart. Some habits that should be put away and some new ones created, some of my words should be held back and not spoken and some words that do need to be spoken should be. It's easy to speak of being more honest and difficult to decide in actuality what true, gentle honesty looks like in practice. Does it look like courage? Does it look like genuineness? What is it really? And kindness, what does that look like in practice? I have come to think that honesty and kindness go hand in hand. Kindness isn't simply a bland niceness o general agreeableness, it can mean binging up something uncomfortable and difficult because ignoring it is not genuine kindness.
The following really spoke to me: (I'm sorry I don't know its source.)
Sometimes honest confession can seem astonishing, impossible, and dangerous. Because we have learned silence so well, we experience honesty as full of risk. After all, if we are honest, then other people will know what we think and feel. We will be exposed. The appearance of strength and competence we work so hard to cultivate will have to share the stage with our weaknesses, our failings, our sins.
When we practice honesty as a daily discipline, however, something happens to us. The promise of this text begins gradually to grow in our lives. We begin to heal. It is not a dramatic, once-for-all-time, quick-fix kind of healing. Nor is it a private healing, a healing that happens only 'inside' our heads or in secret with God.
Honesty leads to healing because people can now express their love for us in practical ways. Honesty leads to healing because we no longer have to pay the high tariffs that pretense demands. We heal because the experience of acceptance counteracts the contempt we so easily heap on ourselves. We heal because we are no longer alone. We heal because we are known and loved.
Honesty is a discipline with a promise. We will be healed.
So I am not sure where this fresh start will lead. How I will write here. I only feel as though I want to be genuine here. Write for myself. As though no one at all would read it. What might I say then? Who might I be?